Christian Elder Care -- And Care for Mother Mary

Caring for aging parents and family members is a growing and diffiuclt situation for millions of Americans. While we have always had the very elderly among us, there are more now, for longer periods of time, due to modern medical science and nutrition. But even as our technology has evolved, our culture has become more scattered, making elder care more difficult and expensive. It is an area in which churches may be able to do more in helping families fulfill their sacred obligations to each other. We must seek new ways to be supportive.

In the old days of multi-generational homes, which you still see in some societies in other countries, (but less and less here), the entire family would care for the very elderly in their own homes. But now the nursing home seems to be the standard answer, even though it can cost $3000 or more a month and quickly evaporate an estate that took years to accumulate. What is more devastating is the emotional toll on many of the elderly, who are so sad to leave their living in their own homes, with their own possessions, in order to exist in tiny rooms with institutional beds and with roommates they do not know.

My mother still lives by herself, well into her seventies, and each day of independence is a blessing to her. But she lives a long way away in Florida, and so phone calls are the main contact I have with her. When, I call, she is always cheerful, in the wry and whimsical way I remember from childhood, and her voice is strong and clear. But the years have taken a toll on her body and she is a fragile reminder of the strong farm wife she always was. Regretfully, I must rely on my sister, who lives near her, to help her with most of her daily needs.

But I am blessed at this time, for many people have to give greater care for their aging parents, and that is when the very hard choices about care and housing and lifestyle must be made. As a pastor, it is one of the hardest things I witness and pray about.

Care of elderly parents has been a societal burden throughout human history. Elder neglect or abuse happens more than we might think. Little children are demanding, non-productive, and need much care, but you expect a return on your labor some day. Elderly parents are sometimes just as troublesome, but they're not going to get better. They're larger and heavier and sometimes oh so difficult. While interacting with a baby gives a mom or dad satisfaction and joy, emotions aren't as unclouded when all parties are older and care moves in the other direction. A son or daughter may feel a complex net of resentments and fears toward the parent they must now tend, wipe, and feed. It is hard to be faithful, but we are called to be just that, to help complete the interlocking circles of life that we are a part of with our parents. Faithfulness is our calling as Christians.

A professor friend of mine once gave me a the example of Mary, the mother of Jesus, as a Biblical lesson in elder care. We always think of her as young, but she must have grown old after Christ's death, resurrection and ascenscion. Paintings and icons always show her young. But she must have been about fifty when she gathered with the Apostles on the day of the first Pentecost. After that, the Bible is silent on her works, but according to Orthodox Christian legend, she volunteered to be a traveling evangelist, and drew lots along with the others to see which nation each should go to and preach. She told the world about her Savior and son!

These same Othodox Christian sources in Turkey say that in her old age Mary went with St. John the Evangelist, (who Jesus had asked to look after her as if her were here son), to the city of Ephesus, which was in what we call Turkey in our day. It was John who was standing with Mary at the foot of the Cross when Jesus spoke. "Woman, behold your son!" he said to her, and to John, "Behold your mother!"

"And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home" (John 19:27). This was more than just hospitality. In undertaking the duty of a son to Mary, John assumed a burden as well as a blessing. While some cultures have permitted adult children to abandon or even end the life of an elderly parent, the Hebrew Scriptures, (our Old Testament), insist that the elderly are to be treated with respect, protected, and cared for, to the very end. It takes a great commitment to another person, and one's own selfishness must be pushed down. The fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) must be alllowed to come forth and the works of the flesh must be put under control. Our own fleshly ambitions must be set aside for higher purposes.

When John took Mary to his own home, he accepted a solemn obligation. So it is for anyone who is responsible for aging parents. It is a holy thing one does, the completion of a sacred trust that began with their own births and ends with the natural death of their parents. As Christian churches, we need to look for new ways to help Christians with this special obligation that requires an abundance of faithfulness, patience, gentleness, and love.